The FOMO of summer crushed me, and my throat thickened as I trudged up the front steps and into the house. The dark, air-conditioned hallway stretched like a tunnel along the length of the house to the family room. I could hear the sounds of bustling as my family prepared for our trip to the big brown patch of Vaquero, Texas. Standing still to adjust to the change in temperature, I studied myself in the hall mirror. Splotchy and red from the hot walk home, my vacant eyes looked back at me.
Taller than my friends, I was lanky, with impossibly long arms and legs. I looked like a newborn colt, and my reddish-brown hair, frizzy from the humidity, was hard to control. I twisted the long, wavy mane into a messy topknot on my head. Random tendrils stuck to my sweaty neck. Lumpy in my throat and achy in my chest, I now had to face my mom. I knew my frowning reflection showed my feelings, so I worked up a plain, calm face, took a deep breath, and walked into the kitchen.
“So, how was the last day of school?” Mom asked as she prepared dinner and snacks for the trip. Littered with food, the counter in her chaotic kitchen was ground-zero in the travel prep. Always in motion, Mom kept people and projects on schedule. “Where’s Emily?” she asked, looking behind me, confused. “I thought she was sleeping over tonight.”
“She couldn’t make it.” I sighed. I didn’t want Mom to turn cold on Emily. This was just a onetime glitch, I hoped. “She forgot about other plans she had for tonight. We’ll get together after I get back.” But would we? Or would I come back to find Jessily a memory, with some newbie in my place?
“Well, it’s a good thing.” Mom replied, returning to her food prep. “We have a lot to do before tomorrow morning. I did laundry, so check the hamper for clothes you want to bring. Make sure your bag is ready before bedtime. We’ll get an early start tomorrow.”
I passed Will’s room on the way to mine. He was stuffing an oversized duffel bag with clothes and singing with gusto to music streaming on his phone. Will's voice was okay, but the country song wasn't my favorite. The achy breaky heart lyrics were sharply on point now, like the one in my chest. It all sounded so corny. I liked and needed something more upbeat. “Can you play something more fun? Like rock, or hip hop, or even metal would be better.” I rolled my eyes.
Will removed an earbud and looked up. “What’s that? You want me to blast it?” He mocked me and laughed like a hyena, prodding me to react. Will knew I hated country music and played it just to annoy me. He spent most of his free time at the gym, and at 16, was filling out. Classic Will—brilliant, annoying and always at the top of his class.
Will’s talent in math and science was something I could never forget, thanks to the parents’ constant nagging. No matter how much they hassled me, I would never morph into a STEM whiz. Still, I wished they could see me in the same way. Not a genius, but talented and smart-ish.
It seemed like ‘Jess Rejection Day’ as I entered my room and hurled my backpack on the bed. Expecting it would improve my mood; instead, I was numb…deflated. My room, unchanged since I was a preschooler, had bunnies and rainbows scattered across the light blue bedspread. This theme spread to other decorations, including posters of Peter Rabbit and a pink lampshade. It was cartoonish and made me feel like a child.
Will followed and stood in the doorway. “What’s on your mind, little sister? You look, um…stressed?” he guessed. I didn’t answer.
“The start of summer vacation is not a stressful time, but the exact opposite!” Will said, leaning against the doorway. “You can relax because we are going to have an epic vacation! I know because I’ve been to the ranch the last two summers and had the best time.” He proceeded to brothersplain… “You see, we both sprang from the same gene pool, so we share traits in common. It is logical to assume that if I enjoy riding horses, you will too, and if I enjoy camping under the stars…”
“I won’t!” I cut him off. “We might share genes, but we aren't the same. You are a math and science nerd. You read textbooks…for fun!” I snapped at him. Recovering, I explained, “I’m an artist.” I lifted my chin to show he could not persuade me. Arguing with Will wasn’t helping to ease the crushing ache in my chest, when sibling sparring often gave me a rush. “Just go away. I’m not in the mood to talk about tree frogs, or amino acids, or climate change, or fractions.” Will shrugged and returned to his packing.
I flopped backwards on my bed and tried to figure out why Skylar hadn’t invited me to the outing with my friends. Was I too awkward and gangly? While my friends were filling out, I was still shooting up like a weed. Was I basic or boring? They seemed obsessed with makeup, hair, clothes and boys. I guess they moved on while I had my head in music. They were out having fun right now without me! My eyes started tearing up, and I wiped them on my sleeve. Will stood at the door watching me, no sign of sarcasm, then said “You know, the ranch has this ancient piano…,” Confused, he asked, “What’s up, Jess?”
“My day didn’t end well. Emily and I planned a sleep over tonight, but she ditched me to go to a concert with the new girl instead. My other friends were invited, but I wasn’t.” It all came flooding out, and I had to fight off tears. “And now I’m going to be gone for the entire summer!” The tears I had been choking back streamed down my face.
“That sounds tough.” Will sat next to me on the bed. “Listen, I can’t explain it, but the ranch is like a different planet. There’s magic there.” His brown eyes focused on me with an unusual intensity. “It’s not something you can see or hear, but you can feel it.”
I studied Will’s face. He wasn’t often so sensitive, but he seemed to mean what he said. There were a few stray hairs above his lip and on his chin, sparse and light brown. “Are you growing a beard?” I asked, wiping my eyes. “I’m so impressed. You look so grown up!” I laughed, giving Will some of his own medicine. It was a welcome break from my grief.
“FYI, I’ve been shaving. I’m not a fan, so I might go natural.”
“You could just use tweezers.”
He smiled, stood up and added, “Anyway, even if you don’t like the ranch, you’ll be on an epic vacation, and not sitting at home waiting for a text.”
Shocking, that sound advice came from Will. I unpacked my gloom and then packed a suitcase for my trip. Shorts, t-shirts, underwear and socks all went into the suitcase, and a bathing suit, just in case. Dreaming, as I doubted there was a pool within 100 miles of the ranch. Two months away from home and friends seemed unimaginable… a lifetime!
As I was taking stock of what was missing, Mom walked in. “Be sure to pack jeans, too.”
“It will be hot all summer. Why do I need jeans?”
“You’ll need them to ride a horse, and the nights are chilly. Two pair should be enough.”
“I have something for you.” Mom set a present, wrapped in expensive blue paper embossed with silver stars, on the bed. As I reached for it, she said, “It’s yours in exchange for a favor.”
“What?” Knowing Mom, I was going to hate this.
She held out her hand and said, “Give me your phone.” I pulled the phone out of my pocket, checked messages (there weren’t any), and then handed it over. It was like having my hand chopped off.
Mom turned the phone off and placed it in my bedside table. “I’d like you to leave the phone at home while we’re on vacation.”
That hit like a bomb. “What?!! Spend two months away unable to contact my friends? Please Mom,” I begged, “I need to stay in touch with them. I already feel so disconnected.” She didn’t flinch. I turned to confront her, my face burning. “I don’t understand why I have to go away for the entire summer. This is so unfair! I wish Dad was here. If he hadn't left, I'd be enjoying time with friends instead of being bored to death in the dust bowl.” I yelled. “You don’t understand how hard this is for me. You haven’t been my age for decades!”
Mom looked struck, breaking her calm for a split second. That last remark was over the top, but I didn’t care. Her face was stern, and I was helpless. My eyes stung with tears, and my nose was running. I didn’t have a tissue, so I used my sleeve again.
The present didn’t seem like a fair trade. I sat on the bed and tore off the wrapping paper. Inside was a sketchpad of the finest paper, and multiple sets of graphite and colored pencils, sharpeners and erasers. All brand new. I ran my fingers over the smooth paper, the sharp tips of the pencils. It was everything I loved. And somehow, that made it worse. I didn’t deserve this. It wasn’t my birthday, or anything. Resentment and shame rose to the surface of my skin. Mom has a way of bringing out conflicting emotions. “Not a substitute for my friends,” I complained, “but…this is an amazing gift. Thank you, Mom.” I wasn’t in the mood to fight with her.
“Dad didn’t leave you, you know; he’s chasing a dream.” Mom tried to comfort me with a brief, gentle hug. “I know this trip is a big change from your summer routine. It'll be special, the three of us together at the ranch. You’ll love it. Trust me…it’s a healing place.” Mom stood to leave. “Don’t stay up too late. We’re leaving early. If we’re lucky, it will only take seven hours to get there.”
Ugh! I had forgotten about the long drive. I needed a break from packing my bag, so I sat at the piano. My fingers glided over the keys as I played chords together and notes in sequence. Using the foot pedals was new for me. They control the tone, to soften a note or hold it after I release the key. The soften pedal made the notes sound like they were coming through thick cotton gauze. The tone, muffled and blended, and gave the notes a ghostly sound. This made me think of the song I’d been practicing. I sang it while pressing that pedal. It was a song about friendship and betrayal, and I leaned into it, releasing some of the pressure on my heart. The last note lingered, massaging my sharp pain into a dull ache.
At that moment, Mom walked in. “I’m impressed with your progress on the piano,” Mom noted. “There’s one at the ranch. It’s old and out of tune, but it’ll keep your fingers in shape.
“Yeah, Will mentioned something about that.” I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for her mothering, but I wasn’t in the mood to flip the happy switch. Not yet. Trapped and restless, I needed to breathe.
I walked through the family room, opened the glass door to the backyard, and stepped onto the lawn. The sun had set, and the stars were visible overhead. A hint of humidity softened the evening air, and the scent of honeysuckle vine draped over the fence perked me up.
The ageing play set, now streaked with rust, sat in the back corner. I walked over and sat on my favorite swing. It made a satisfying creak when I got to a certain height. A firm push got me started. Pumping my legs, I reached just the right spot and—crrrreeeakk. My stomach flipped as I dropped back down, then soared again, legs flung forward, stars staring down at me. I caught my breath and dropped back down to stop. The stars overhead were single bodies, but together they hung in a group, twinkling. A few bright ones stood out, making me long for the people I missed.
The bigger one was Dad, who sparked my love for music. We sang silly songs together like “I’m Too Sexy.” Dancing around and singing in a high-pitched voice, he changed the lyrics to make them even funnier. Goofy and playful, he was like a friend. My parents’ separation was shocking, and I wanted to believe that if he came home, my world would return to normal. The ache of his absence was always with me. We talked on the phone every week, but it was not the same. It never would be.
The other bright star was Emily. Friends for so long, I couldn’t remember what came before us. Would we still be friends in middle school? If not, what would school next year be like without my fam?
Life had been smooth until this year. In the last two months, Mom and Dad split up, and he moved out. Elementary school ended, and my friends ditched me for a sparkly new thing. I couldn’t go backward, so I had to move forward, but where and how? What was waiting for me around the next corner?